Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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