I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
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Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
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The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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