I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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