i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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