Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
