your thong is hanging out like whoa
i barfeds in our rink
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
