o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i may or may not be watching the land before time
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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