if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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