I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
