i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
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Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
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Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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