my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
