just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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