dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
