I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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