I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
