i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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