Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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