So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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