Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
