shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
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He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
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In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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