Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
