Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
