fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Is this like a preordered booty call?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
