I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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