we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
