I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I am midnight drunk by noon
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Dick very happy bro
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