Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
4 words: hood of his car
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
