my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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