dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
