Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
