so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
