there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
