i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
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