Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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