Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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