Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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