if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
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He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
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Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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