I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
