he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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