Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize
