So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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