I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
