yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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