Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
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