I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
