He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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