he thought i was a dude.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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