i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
They have beer where we have blood.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
