I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
