I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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