I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
