I think I won the penis lottery.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I party with great urgency now.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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