If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
